I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
