I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
