i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
