Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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