She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Randomize
