after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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