I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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