I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Quick, to the slutcave!
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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