perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
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