woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
