I wanna bring you to show and tell
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Randomize
