New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
