How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
