I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
