Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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