Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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