woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
