Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
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