My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
