there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
