happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Randomize
