Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
