With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize
