dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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