guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Randomize
