Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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