i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
