He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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