I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
His nipple licking is glorious
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