The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
