omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
