At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
