wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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