An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
