I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
