The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
