i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize
