I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
