i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
