Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
