In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Randomize
