I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Randomize
