i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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