I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Randomize
