am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
