Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Semen is not good for contacts.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
