Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
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