did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
