i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
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