he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
