There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
