dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
