she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I met the friendliest cop last night
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Randomize
