So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Randomize
