My friends, they love my intelligence
with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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