I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Randomize
