Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
