New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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