New low: just hacked my moms facebook
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
