Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
