Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
