bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
