The maid of honor just puked.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
